What to say at a Super Bowl party (when you don't watch football)

The short version: pick a team before you arrive, cheer when the room cheers, groan when it groans, and keep a few safe lines in your pocket. Nobody at a Super Bowl party is quizzing you. Half the room is there for the food and the commercials too. They're just better at hiding it.

Before you go: pick a side

The question you'll get most is "Who are you rooting for?" Have an answer. The easy picks:

• The team your host is rooting for. You're a guest. This is just manners.
• The underdog. Everyone likes an underdog, and it never needs explaining.
• The team with the better story. Look at one headline the morning of the game. Is one team's quarterback young? Is a coach retiring? Is one team there for the first time in years? That's your reason.

"I'm going with the underdog. I like a story."

Lines that work all night

These are true in almost any game, so you can say them with confidence.

"This is a big drive."

Say it any time the team you picked has the ball and the room gets quiet.

"Defense has to step up here."

Say it when the other team has the ball and is getting close.

"That's a huge call."

Say it when a referee throws a yellow flag and half the room yells at the TV.

"They need to get the ball back with time left."

Say it in the fourth (last) quarter if your team is behind.

What to ask (and not sound lost)

Asking is fine if the question sounds like you're curious, not confused.

• "Who's been the best player for them this season?" Then just listen. People love this one.
• "Do you think they go for it?" Use it when the room is debating the next play. It almost always fits.
• "Was that a good call?" Only after a flag. Then agree with whoever answers loudest.

When to cheer

Follow the room, about half a second behind. The big moments are a touchdown (6 points, loud cheering, people stand up), a field goal (3 points, polite clapping) and an interception or fumble (the ball changes teams, so one half of the room is thrilled and the other half is upset). If you're not sure which half you're in, check your host's face.

Halftime and the commercials

You're off the hook. Halftime is the concert, and the commercials are a legitimate topic. "Which ad was your favorite?" is the single safest question of the night, and you can ask it to anyone.

What not to say

• "Who's playing?" Look it up in the car.
• "Why do they keep stopping?" Everyone wonders this. Nobody says it.
• Anything about "sportsball." It's funny once, to you, at home.
• Calling a team by the wrong city. If you're not sure, use the team name ("the Chiefs"), not the city.
• Big predictions. "I think it'll be close" is plenty.

The exit line

Leaving before the end? Read the score first.

"Great game. I can't watch the ending, my heart can't take it."

Want this for every big game, with the actual score and the one moment that mattered? That's what Fake Fanatic does.